Realisations

One of Graeber's main arguments in Debt: The First 5000 Years (his very sloppy (http://www.bradford-delong.com/2014/12/2014-11-24-mo-ann-leckie-on-david-graebers-debt-the-first-5000-mistakes-handling-the-sumerian-evidence-smackdown.html) anthropological-philosophical-economic bricolage which sold millions of copies) is that there is something deeply psychologically uncomfortable about the social arrangements involved in capitalist exchange - about the making of arrangements to perform constructive activities by renting oneself out to serve or by renting someone to serve via contracts rather than on the basis of friendly or neighbourly trust and affection. I discovered this personally the first time I quit a job about 7 months ago. It was hard not to feel guilty about telling the people I was working with that I didn't want to work there, even though, as I kept trying to remind myself, I was fully within my rights contractually, legally and morally. I think the fundamental reason why I had this reaction is that although, legally, I had no obligation to the company whatsoever to continue my contract (only a contractual obligation to perform tasks to the best of my ability while I was under contract), I couldn't help emotionally feeling as if I had some obligations to support my fellow workers in the collective enterprise we were continuously participating in, rather than 'abandoning ship'. I also realised that I was severing personal connections; I knew that I was going to lose touch with the people I'd formed relationships with. Even if those relationships weren't all that strong - and they weren't highly strong - it was hard not to feel like this was a rude thing to do. The whole thing felt very 'unnatural'.
Today, when I had completed my (4-hour) paid gardening gig at a stranger's house (when he asked how long I would be available for, I told him 4 hours even though I had no major obligations for later in the day), I had the same problem. My employer indicated that he wanted me back next week and intimated that he was assuming that I would be available weekly long-term, and I told him that I probably could not establish a regular, weekly arrangement with him (I told him I'd tell him by Wednesday if I'd be available for next week, even though I don't want to do that work next week for two or three reasons I won't reveal here, and I will therefore tell him I can't probably before Wednesday). To say this made me feel like a bad person. It's true that I don't have any commitments set in stone that would absolutely rule out the establishment of a regular visit to his place, so in that sense perhaps I was being mendacious (although there were serious considerations against). But from the point of view of capitalist logic, what I did was absolutely just and fine. I rented myself to him for 4 hours, and there were no other conditions to the contract at the time I agreed to it (he implied that he wanted me next week soon after I started). As a market-participant, I am within my rights to choose to whom I sell my services and under what conditions. I am, evidently, able to adhere to this logic, but it is somewhat emotionally burdensome - and this is for me, someone capable of callousness. I imagine it would be much harder for a lot of people I know. (Of course, one of the other correct arguments Graeber makes is that long-term business relationships based on loyalty and trust are ubiquitous in capitalism, and it's pretty clear that things work a lot better in businesses when people feel like they are not mere tools (http://evonomics.com/what-happens-when-you-believe-in-ayn-rand-and-modern-economic-theory/). Humans inevitably form emotional bonds and we aren't motivated to act as if we are the only thing that matters in the world, and 'defectors' or 'knaves' (people who avoid agreeing to things that are not in their near-term interest) have to be extremely canny and clever if they are to maintain a reputation as trustworthy, which happens to be crucial for business.)

On a vaguely related note, I have been cut off my mother's teat this month in terms of income. I want to move out of the family home again but it's extraordinarily hard work to save up to do such a thing without any parental support. It's hard for me to fathom not having the privilege of strong parental support. If you are working hard all the time, you are far too exhausted to do the things I do, as exhibited on this blog. Idleness is very important for intellectual development.
A sobering thought.