I was just reminded how totally non-neurotypical I am. I guess I haven't been thinking about that for a while. But a visit from my most normal two friends has reminded me that my habits are very odd. As soon as they walked in my new room, they noticed many things that I had taken for granted. I had thought, for example, that my room was not so bad. But they immediately noticed the many, many odd features; the haphazard, totally lazy way I'd stacked the books on my dresser, the fact that the bottom drawer of the dresser that came with the room was half open, the fact that my bed wasn't at all properly made, that I've only got one pillow on the double bed, that my sheets don't match, that some of my bed stuff is stained and hasn't been washed for ages, the fact that I had two containers of coins on my desk (a bowl and a jar, totalling perhaps 200 coins), the fact that I had a half-finished puzzle section of a newspaper on my desk being used as a mousepad, the fact that my birth certificate is lying face down on the desk (adding to the clutter), the fact that I hadn't taken my ice-cream bowl down to the kitchen and it was on my desk, the fact that I had a pair of pants and a packet of dried figs buried in my sheets, the fact that I had an eyewear plastic packet on the dresser, the fact that all my washing was just on the floor (ready to be washed tomorrow but without a basket), the fact that there was a single sock I don't own in my bed, and so on. (I actually feel like I've become incredibly anal recently, but I guess this is very relative (and really I guess the only thing is that I'm pretty concerned about dust nowadays, and my mind often turns to some of the toxins that may surround me (my mind often turns to the thought of lead traces and air pollution (I am essentially constantly thinking about the health of my brain)), but I'm probably no more scrupulous about dust than many people). I've also been reminded recently of how badly I take care of my textbooks, without noticing (people keep commenting on how battered my books look, and I am taken aback because I literally never notice until people point it out). And of course I performatively reminded myself just then, when they were here, of how weird the way I use my notebooks is (I opened up my current 240-page book, which is now totally out of space (my second this semester, so I'll need a third)) and flipped through the pages as a comic display to them of my weirdness). At the start of a semester, I initially try to separate my subjects inside my writing book but I soon give up on that, and my books (now, at least, that I'm only doing technical work and no longer draw shitty cartoon pictures endlessly) is just filled with random, totally disconnected maths and comp sci scribblings and weird diagrams that reflect an attempt to hold a thought in working memory but aren't really coherent without knowing what I was thinking about. There's no ordering by subject and it's mostly unfinished thoughts (as one of them pointed out, some of the equations are unfinished). I no longer write any proper notes whatsoever because there are always nice summarised resources to turn to when it comes to revision. I also don't really finish any tutorials. I get too distracted. There's rarely a day when I only focus on one thing. And I spend half my days on Twitter or Facebook or reading articles anyhow. I don't go to any lectures whatsoever when it comes to maths and computer science, and instead I try to learn new content by racing through lecture slides while blasting four hundred different genres of music through my ears (Bach, Radiohead, Cesaria Evora, Medieval music, jazz, calypso, Mahler, Aphex Twin, Sufjan Stevens, Porcupine Tree), and by trying to do questions. I spend basically 8 hours a day sat in the same place, every day. When I tried to go to technical lectures when I started doing technical stuff at uni, I just found them deadly boring (excruciatingly painful) and a terrible waste of time, because when you're learning maths or other technical things alone you can set the right pace: slow for stuff that isn't sinking in, and fast for stuff you've learnt before, and you can immediately start 'learning by doing' (also you don't have to bother looking at the proofs for important theorems until it's vital to look at them (which it usually isn't)). I never liked the maths lectures before maths classes either. I basically can't stand people teaching me maths.
One major thing I often forget is how low-status I am socially. I still have this residual mental image of myself as the very popular 10- and 11-year-old was at a small primary school: good at sports, music and academics, and someone who got along well with almost everyone. But I'm now very eccentric and very low-status. It sucks. I'm no longer weird in the sense of fashion and hygiene - I pay some attention to those now at least (relative to a few years ago, when I thought that people would respect me as a person even if I often didn't wear deodorant and wore musty clothes, or cut up my shorts with scissors), but I'm sure I still fall short of some people's standards. I just wish people would love me. Most don't.
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